When Flitwick Went Gangsta
by msceila7
Summary: When the Weasley twins cross the line between pranking and forever changing someone, Professor Flitwick gets an unexpected makeover and attitude change. It's up to Harry and Hermione to save Professor Flitwick from a gangsta fate. Possible H/Hr. AU Ravenclaw!Harry Ravenclaw! Hermione
1. Chapter 1

The Weasley twins had pulled many pranks during their time at Hogwarts. They had endured the trauma of detentions with Filch. The two were seasoned pranking veterans. But they had absolutely no inhibitions or the foggiest notion of when to stop. This time, they had gone too far, but nobody knew it until too late, least of all themselves.

Hermione POV

I woke to the obnoxious sound of a Hair-drying Charm. Padma was standing at the mirror in our bathroom, a smile on her face as she looked in the mirror. That girl was so full of herself, I was afraid she would burst one day. I reached into my trunk and pulled out a black robe. Slipping it on, I grabbed my book and went downstairs to the common room, hoping to get some reading in before breakfast.

Not even fifteen minutes into my book, a dramatic story of a girl kidnapped by pirates, I felt a pair of hands cover my eyes. "Guess who?" I heard the deep voice that could only be Harry say. I slapped his hands away. "Harry, I'm trying to read here!" I scolded, trying to sound appropriately annoyed with him but succumbing to a bout of giggles. I put on my blue scarf - Ravenclaw spirit - and grabbed his hand, pulling him out through the portrait and towards the Great Hall. I blushed slightly, it was not my plan to hold his hand, but I couldn't think of a good reason to let go. As soon as we entered the Great Hall, poor Harry was mobbed by fangirls begging for his autograph. "Oh no," I heard Ginny Weasley wail, "I forgot a pen! D'you think he'd sign this picture in lipstick?"Harry's face had paled dramatically, so I dragged him over to the relative safety of the Ravenclaw table as quickly as I could, trailing only a few 'Claw fangirls like Cho Chang and Lisa Turpin. I heard him sigh in relief as he dug into his pancakes, safe at last. "Harry, what are you planning to do for your Charms homework?" I asked, trying to start some conversation. "Oh, Flitwick didn't assign any. He said he was feeling funny. Why, come to think of it, where is he?" I glanced up at the staff table. Sure enough, next to a perpetually displeased (and potentially constipated) Snape, Flitwick's chair was empty. This did not bode well for Charms class later today. My thoughts were interrupted by identical cackles from the Weasley twins over at the Gryffindor table. I suddenly felt very scared of what was going to happen next.

A minute passed. Then five more. I relaxed a little, it was probably nothing. I speared another sausage with my fork and raised it to my mouth...

BANG! The doors to the Great Hall flew open with a bang. At first I thought that there was nobody behind them, but then my gaze dropped lower. And lower. And lower. Until I caught sight of Professor Flitwick. In baggy pants that hung so low, they brushed the floor. In seventeen different sparkling necklaces and one plaid flat cap. "Professor Flitwick, sir-" stuttered a fearful first-year, "Dang, sista," he interrupted her, "It's Funkmaster Flicky-Flick in the house." My head started spinning. "Pinch me," I whispered, hoping it was a dream. Harry obeyed. "Ow!" I yelped. I held back a groan. This was the worst reality check ever. I fell backward, and everything went black.


	2. Chapter 2

"Whoa, Hermione, are you alright?" My eyes flickered open. The first thing they saw was Harry's worried face. He sounded so concerned, I could kiss him, just to make him feel better. But there might be breakfast stuck in my teeth. Slowly, I sat up. The rest of the school was still gawking at "Funkmaster Flicky-Flick" as he strutted over to the staff table. He stopped to address them, "What? It's like all y'all ain't never seen the swag turned on before." He sat down next to Snape, who, if possible, was looking ever more grouchy than usual. "Yo, ma funk-brother," Flitwick greeted, "Ya look like you need to take a crap, if ya 'scuse my language. Try prunes, bro," he advised, waving his tiny arms so his rings shone in the magically-generated light of the sky-ceiling. Snape scowled and pretended to ignore him, but everyone could see the humiliation tugging at his face. Fred and George Weasley started to snigger. "Constipation!" Fred laughed. Slowly, steadily, the Great Hall filled with laughter. "It's time to get to class!" Snape barked, giving everyone their fair share of the Snape death glare. Immediately all students grabbed their books and fled, except for Ron Weasley who was trying desperately to stuff one more muffin in his mouth the last time I checked behind me. Harry and I headed to fifth-year potions despite the fact that we were only in third year. According to Dumbledore, we were "Potions prodigies." According to Snape, we were "passable." The only potions class that we could take with our schedule was the Slytherin-Gryffindor fifth-year class. Sadly, this meant Harry and I were two out-of-place Ravenclaws. This also meant Fred and George. Once Snape put the instructions for a Calming Drought on the board, they kept on asking him why he put the wrong potion on the board. "I thought, Forge, 'surely he meant to write Constipation Potion up there'," remarked Fred, "Then he could brew it with us, 'cause according to our Funkmaster, he sure could use it." This set both of the redheaded devils off into fits of laughter. I scoffed, but cracked a small smile. Those two were about as mentally mature as four-year-olds. It was no wonder that they hadn't yet succeeding in snagging (or snogging) one of the Flying Foxes of Gryffindor- Katie Bell, Angelina Johnson, and Alicia Spinnet, amazing Quidditch players the lot of them. "Professor Snape," George asked calmly, "Are you sure there aren't any prunes in this?" I thought it was only in the cartoons I watched as a child that steam came out of peoples' ears, but Snape was living proof that it could happen in real life. He reminded me of an angry bull, snorting loudly and with fury. I half expected him to charge at any moment. Apparently the twins had the same idea. "Hola ladies and gentleman, and welcome to the bull-fighting championships!" yelled Fred. "We devilishly handsome men will be your matadors today against the deadliest of them all...Snape the Bull!" Snape glared at them. I bet he was sorry that Wizarding law preventing him, as a teacher from harming them, his students. I looked over at Harry. He had a triumphant expression on his face, as glad as I was that Snape was finally being punished after such cruelty to all of his students. "Let's go," whispered Harry,"Nothing is going to get done today." Quietly, we slipped out of the Potions classroom and away from all of the pandemonium. He led me along the corridor. WE ran the entire way, afraid of being caught, and finally stopped in a remote alcove to catch our breath. Nobody else was around.


	3. Chapter 3

(A/N: In this story, Cedric and Cho are in Harry's year.)

"I must be getting out of shape," Harry panted, "At this rate Neville could catch me. I feel so weak."he added sadly. To stop more of his depressing comments, I shut him up by smashing my lips against his. I could almost imagine being on one of those TV shows with the prerecorded "Ooh"s playing right now. Harry didn't pull away, and neither did I, so we just kept kissing. I grinned against his lips, remembering being so disgusted whenever I saw people kiss when I was little. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, I guess. I'm not going to go into the specifics of how our tongues duelled and his hands ran through my hair and all those cheesy lines. Because that didn't happen. It was just a kiss, nothing more, nothing less. I can't deny that it was heaven, though.

When we finally pulled up for air, Harry smiled at me. We sat down on the floor together. I rested my head on his anything-but-weak shoulder and basked in the silence. We were comfortable together, even when there were no words between us. - it went without saying (right now I'm grinning at my oh-so-clever thought). My after-kissing daze slowly faded away and I remembered with a start that we had Charms today. "Harry," I said urgently,"I think we're late for Charms." With that we got up, and for the second time in an hour, we sprinted down the hall, and towards the Charms classroom. We ran in, breathless, only to discover everyone else was already seated. Seeing that everyone was finally present, Flitwick started his lesson, breaking into a rap in a voice far too low to fit his body :

"Whoever called this place a place for Charms

was right - but it's a place for natural ones

Bros you'll all be ladykillers

snag a cutie

Sistas have a little FUN

And shake some booty."

Everyone was speechless. "So, "Flitwick said, breaking the silence, "all y'all are gonna learn how to be funk-brothers and swag-sistas. Y'all gotta pick yo swag name. Like, Funkmaster Flicky-Flick in da house!" All the Hufflepuffs looked perplexed. "I think he means we need to pick a stage name, " said Harry. Loud chatter and contemplation ensued, needless to say. Harry became 'Harry 'Fro Bro'. After laughing at his plight, I had my own problems to deal with, becoming 'Swag-sista My oh 'Mione'. I could have died from all that embarrassment. "Yo, y'all. Listen to the Funkmaster. We all gonna go 'round and share our swag names." Cedric Diggory nervously cleared his throat and mumbled "Cool Digs Diggory in the house." Flitwick cocked his head. "Wassup,bro? I couldn't hear ya!" Cedric shouted, "Cool Digs Diggory in the house!" Everyone glanced down at his shoes, which, even I had to admit, were pretty cool -for loafers. More and more fidgeting Hufflepuffs sighed in relief as their turns were over. Next up was Cho. "Cha Ching Cho Chang in the house!"she yelled.

Next to her was Harry, taking deep breaths and trying to prepare. "Harry 'Fro Bro in the house!" He exclaimed. Oh, God. I was next. "Swag-sista My oh 'Mione in the house!" I shouted, with as much enthusiasm as I could muster. Everything moved on from there, and eventually, with one half-hearted squeak from Lisa Turpin, the circle was complete. "Now, get used to yo swag name. Use what yo got all through class. Nothin' like a little charm and a swaggy name to get you a gal or a dude. Peace out!" Flitwick strutted out of the classroom and to the Great Hall for lunch. Tossing flat caps, shades and bling rings back at us that innocent Hufflepuffs eagerly snatched up. Harry and I were caught up in the crowd and carried down to the Great Hall. We saw Ron Weasley take a running start to the Gryffindor table and pounce on it, putting his face into the food. If he didn't watch it he'd become overweight. "I don't feel hungry anymore, " I whispered to Harry, disgusted at the display of gluttony. I walked away towards the Ravenclaw Tower. I could hear the click of his shoes behind me and knew he was following me

When we were both in the common room, I went over to the couch and plopped sat next to me. There was a troubled expression on his face. "'Mione," he said, "I have something to tell you... more like show you. I just need to get something from my room."With that, he got off the couch and was up the boys' dorm stairs. Impatient by nature, it was a brand of torture for me to wait idly when mysterious information was about to be presented. After what seemed like an eternity, he came down with a small stone box filled with silvery-blue wisps of memory. I gawked at the object in his hands. "You have a Penseive." To say I was shocked was an understatement. Ditto with awed. "A birthday gift from Dumbledore, "He explained hastily. "Come with me." Together, we dove into the misty haze that made up his memories.

I saw Harry, peeking around the corner at the Weasley twins. "Way to go, Gred!" George congratulated his brother. "Best prank ever! But are you sure it will work?"Fred scoffed, waving away his twin's concerns. "I Obliviated Flitwick myself, and I gave him a healthy dose of the good ol' Memory Replacement 'll be thinking he's a gangsta by morning." George snorted, but considered the situation, "I don't know, Gred, that seems awfully permanent..." the gingers' voices faded away as Memory Harry sprinted down the hallway.

Suddenly thrown back into reality, I could now understand his very real concern. Flitwick's condition could be permanent! "What are we going to do?" I wondered desperately. "I don't know, " said Harry, "but I do know that we should let the teachers deal with this. I'm bloody sick of having to do it all! Isn't bbeing the stupid Boy-Who-Lived enough?" I hugged him and felt him relax a bit. "Well, "I whispered conspiratorially, "Maybe an incognito trip to the Gryffindor common room would cheer you up!" Harry paused, contemplating the idea. A grin split across his face. "I'm in, " he announced.

Harry and I cast Disillusionment Charms on ourselves and sneaked out through the Ravenclaw portrait. Wearily, we started the long trek to the Gryffindor tower. Fifteen minutes later, we arrived. We waited until a Gryffindor, Parvati Patil, said the password ("Narwhal! ") and slipped in behind her. We were instantly consumed by chaos. The two of us spotted yawning kids struggling to finish their Transfiguration essays, a rather noisy game of Exploding Snap, and the Weasley twins giving unsuspecting, innocent first years little candies. Upon consuming them, the children promptly turned into canaries, much to their consternation and the twins' glee. "You have no right yo do that to the poor things!" Angelina scolded Fred. "Shame on you!" With that she stormed away to her friends, only turning back once to shoot them a death glare. Fred nearly started hyperventilating. "She noticed me!" He swooned. "Oh, joy of joy!" George was painfully unsure of what to do and settled for halfheartedly punching his shoulder and grinning weakly.


End file.
